All These Things That I’ve Done

Prompted by: Vee’s Favorite Songs Challenge

Using @nobodys-baby-now​ guideline: 

• You can use the entire song as inspiration, or take some lyrics from the song and use them as dialogue. 

Song: 

All These Things That I’ve Done
-The Killers

Find me at AO3, Warnings-None

You were trying your best. But your best was nothing when you were confronted with the power of an archangel. The mightiest of the archangels. Michael.

At the moment you were helping Rowena search for every tracking and halting spell in all the notes of the bunker, you even decided to find the other Chapterhouses in order to see if they had something else inside. Something that could help you reach Dean. And some spells looked like they could have worked but something jarred it, no doubt that had been Michael. Had it been any other lesser being you were damn sure it would have worked.

Most of the time you were all by yourself these days. You still remembered the words that started your pilgrimage.

-Sam, you go and put a bunch of silver bullets over those werewolves’ hearts and stop worrying about the research for a while. I’ll do it. I’ll call you every night to keep you informed if that helps you distract yourself.  

You called every night the first couple of weeks. You didn’t mind calling anymore. You couldn’t stand hearing Sam’s broken voice lose a little bit more hope every time you told him you still had found nothing. These days just a text note would go.

Chapterhouse 7 breached, everything’s in order.

Chapterhouse 7 day 1, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 day 2, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 day 3, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 day 4, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 day 5, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 day 6, nothing new.

Chapterhouse 7 done. Nothing new.

Found Chapterhouse 3.

Chapterhouse 3 entrance flooded up by the Glen Canyon Dam. Called Rowena. Impossible to breach and open.

Found Chapterhouse 11.

Chapterhouse 11 breached, everything’s in order.

Chapterhouse 11 day 1, nothing new.

Nothing new.

Nothing new.

Nothing new.

You even felt that the words themselves were losing meaning. What is nothing? What is new? Was it pronounced that way?

Those were the times you dropped all the books off the table. Rivers of tears flowing. Flowing for Sam, flowing for Dean, flowing for Cas, flowing for yourself. The phone rang, startling you from your breakdown. You checked out the caller id in fear before you answered the call.

-Any good news Rowena?

-And a very fine day to you too lass.

-Sigh… I’m sorry. I just… I just don’t feel like I care anymore.

Despite all the problems she had caused you in the past, Rowena had slowly become the closest thing to a confident you had these days. Oddly enough, she was a very good listener.

-Aye, that I see. But things will turn out just right. Three hundred years of experience are talking to you right now.

You couldn’t help but chuckle bitterly -I really don’t know how you’ve been able to do it. I am so much older than I can take.

The call had ended after you gave Rowena your current address. She wanted to check something in the scripture database Charlie had left as her legacy that you had copied on your laptop for easy access. Rowena still didn’t like to use computers and she preferred your company to that of the boys.

You went for your cooler to grab a beer and take a break. The table of that Chapterhouse was eerily similar to the one at home. Everything was similar to everything at home. Your mind went back to the last time you had an argument with Dean over a table just like that one.

You slammed your hand over the table.

–Oh don’t you put me on the backburner, Dean Winchester!

Dean stood up exasperated. -And what exactly are you going to do over there!? It’s bad enough that we’d have to watch all of our friends die together, I don’t want to see you go as well!

-And will it even matter if everybody else dies!?

Even Gabriel winced at the high pitch of your retort. You hated to show your weaknesses and Dean had managed to push you the wrong way enough. The room had gone silent, and you had to do your best to keep the tears up to yourself while hanging your head down. Finally you turned your sight back at him.

-I don’t need to argue with you. I’ll go.

You stormed before he could say a thing against it, grabbing a couple of beers on your way through the kitchen as safeguard to help yourself stay inside your bedroom without the need of going out again for at least half a day.

A soft knock came some minutes later. -Go away Bitch!

-Wow, rude much kid?

A slight pang of guilt held your gut, wrong person to lash at. You went for the doorknob and greeted a pair of pale gold eyes. Gabriel had not been too communicative with you ever since he had arrived to the bunker, not that you had had much time to interact with the assumed archangel. Still you were curious as to what the guy wanted with you. You knew from the boys that there was some sort of history between them but they never elaborated on that. You figured it might not have been that good considering Sam always winced when reminded about it and proceeded to bitchface Dean if the older brother tried to insist on telling the story.

He strolled into the room without even asking for permission.

-Couldn’t help but notice you care about the pair of idiots out there a bit too much.

You were startled, was this guy making himself at home, sitting over your bed and having a go at your recently opened beer stash?

-I thought angels were unable to taste food at all.

Gabriel just winked at her. -I’m way above the average angel Pumpkin.

-Even powered down?

-Potato, potato… whatever. You ain’t answering my question.

-I don’t recall you asking one.

He acknowledged you with a pointing finger. -You’re sassy, I like that. Come have a beer with me, my treat.

Such a ridiculous situation would have put Sam or Dean in a snappy mode but you ended up laughing about it. How could you not? It was exactly the same thing you used to do to the guys.

-You’re weird.

-Am I?

-Yeah but it’s alright… I like that.

You went to grab the second beer Gabriel already had opened for you and sat by his side. A quiet silence fell upon the both of you while you emptied your drink.

-They care about you too.

-Sigh, I know… And I get it. I mean, they are the closest thing to a family I got now but that’s exactly why I can’t let them go alone.

-We’ll take care that everything goes well for you kid.

-Thanks Gabriel.

-You can call me Gabe.

-Gabe

The sound of the phone buzzing over the table woke you up. your neck was hurting. Somehow you had snoozed off and the consequences of sleep deprivation were starting to show all over your aching body.

-Yeah?

-I’m outside the Chapterhouse sweetie, be a good girl and open this door for me.

-Coming right up ma’am.

The day passed, Rowena found her translated codes with help of the database and you had found an old archived box filled to the brim with codexes on nephilim. Maybe they would be of interest for Jack, you thought while putting them aside and filling up a note in an old recording binder denoting the time of removal of the box and the Chapterhouse to where it would be moved. Habit that you had taken up after Sam had gotten the librarian in himself out and forced everyone at the bunker to use library cards whenever a book was removed for reading after having lost a particularly important tome that appeared later on in Dean’s bedroom under a scotch glass. The idiot had forgotten he had taken it.

And there was Dean again coming back to your thoughts.

Gabriel had confronted you about it in a small free space of time at the refugee camp. The grey monotone of the land thankfully cut off by the brightness of the stars above. These were the moments where despite having angels by your side you wondered if there really was a Heaven out there.

-Oh there is a Heaven alright.

You turned to look at Gabriel in a start. This wasn’t the first time an angel had given a straight answer for an unasked question. Were your thoughts so open to every feathered ass out there? Gabriel chuckled.

-I’m sorry to break it to you Sugar Plum but you really are an open book when you let your mind drift like that. The more you let yourself be swallowed by everything around you the more your thoughts resound.

Well, that explained a thing or two you thought to yourself.

-So even if I’m not praying…

-We’ll hear you alright.

-Can demons hear me as well?

-Never seen one do that so I don’t think so.

You just nodded and sighed while turning your eyes back to the sky. Gabriel just followed your gaze.

-I know there’s a Heaven alright…

-But?

-I don’t think I’ll ever reach it at all.

You could sense Gabriel turning towards you but you were angled in a way that didn’t allow you to read his expressions. You turned your head towards the ground at your feet and slightly crouched, hiding from the light above you with loose strands of hair over your gaze.

–With all these things that I’ve done… Guess I just hope I’d rather be thrown into The Empty.

-You don’t know what you’re saying.

-Billy said she’d throw Dean there with her own hands. I don’t see why I can’t ask for the same.

Gabriel didn’t say a thing but you could feel him turning his whole body at you, you finally decided to face the archangel.

-Stop thinking like this. You’re gonna bring yourself down.

-I just don’t want to be left alone.

-No. You just don’t want to leave Dean alone.

You blushed and turned away. You were desperate to give a comeback and deny everything but you were too tired for doing anything about it at all. You had been pining over him long enough. That anybody else could see the obvious wouldn’t change the fact that the object of your affection would never see you as anything more than a cute little sister. That battle had been lost long ago.

-It doesn’t matter.

-It matters to me. -You chuckled but had to regain some sobriety when Gabriel knelt in front of you to be at your sitting height and made a move to hold your hand. -Because you are human and beautiful. And yeah, you may have committed terrible mistakes along the way but believe it or not, you are still so very pure. The single fact that you can love someone desperately enough to follow them everywhere just to ensure their safety is proof enough of that.

Everything happened so fast. Maybe it had been the piercing truth within his words, maybe it had been the soft touch between your bodies, maybe it was the way his attention was completely concentrated on you and nothing else than you. But you had felt those walls inside your heart crumble one by one and before you even knew it, your tears had been streaming down while you made a go to hold Gabriel tight and cry your grievance away.

Rowena startled you from your pensive state when she placed a plate of small sandwiches and a cup of tea in front of you.

-Enough research for today, it’s time to let the mind rest.

-Thanks Rowena. -The witch only smiled at you while sitting by your side to enjoy the refreshments.

-Well, have you discovered anything new?

You just gave away a sigh. -Not really, there is only so much documented angel lore, let alone talk about archangel lore. If we at least still had Gabriel by our side…

-…You miss the nifty steamy boy don’t you?

You could catch the undertone of the question Rowena gave you but you just didn’t feel like answering that kind of thing. -Well yeah, it would be such a great help to have him by our side to help us out of this Michael predicament. If we could only bring him back just like Jack brought Castiel ba…

You went silent, slowly dropping your hands over the table. Rowena could have been able to literally see the cogs in your brain work.

-Of course! Rowena I’m such an idiot! Why didn’t I think of this before!?

Rowena just raised an eyebrow with a smirk. She wouldn’t admit it but your pure joy was contagious and she was suddenly happy for the simple fact that you were happy as well. She saw you pick up the phone and send a message to Sam asking if he was available to talk then wait impatiently until your phone rang.

-Hello? Sam? I think I have an idea!